This weekend sees the mega-anticipated release of The Hunger Games in theaters. Based on the popular book series by Suzanne Collins, Hunger Games tells the story of young Katniss Everdeen, as she fights for her life in a post-apocalyptic future where children compete annually in a televised death match. Yeah, fun for the whole family!
Each year, one boy and one girl between the ages of 12-18 are chosen by lottery from each of the 12 Districts to represent their home as a Tribute. The Games themselves are a brutal mix of death traps and armed enemies.
We won’t give away any spoilers from the series (go read the books already, they’re fantastic!), but it got us thinking. What if the Hunger Games existed today and what if instead of kids competing, they had stores competing for survival? Here’s who we’d like to see represent the 12 (Shopping) Districts.
District 1: Target
Who doesn’t love the all-around, family friendly store? They’d quickly make friends with a number of other tributes to improve their chances of survival. Unfortunately, they have one monumental downside that’d end their chances in a heartbeat: that giant bullseye on their chest.
District 2: Lowe’s
Sure, the home improvement store can consider itself handy with weapons (axes, chainsaws, sledgehammers), but its skills will really come in handy for building shelter! Starting off with a simple treehouse, things would go well until Lowe’s gets carried away and builds a 28-room mansion deep in the heart of the woods, quickly forgetting about this little life-and-death competition.
District 3: e.l.f. Cosmetics
These guys have a lot going for them. Super cheap prices means they’re used to surviving on little funds, so they’d last awhile out in the Games. Not to mention the fact that everyone knows elves are masters at hunting and sneaking around. Unfortunately, they’d eventually get caught fixing their eye shadow one too many times and take an early exit.
District 4: Modell’s
Nobody knows sporting goods like Mos. From the second they’re reaped into the Games, this fit and active store would be on the move, avoiding near death at every turn. They’d make it almost to the bitter end…that is until the New York Yankees win another World Series, forcing the store to divert all its attention to a slew of new Championship gear.
District 5: Hot Topic
The “young punks” of the Hunger Games, Hot Topic would clearly be the hippest Tribute competing, winning tons of accolades (and helpful gifts) from the younger viewing crowd. They’d ultimately fall, however, when they get completely distracted by a whose-piercing-was-more-painful contest.
District 6: Lego Shop
With an army of minifigs at their disposal, there’s almost nothing the District 6 Tribute can’t handle! Except the fact that it’s pretty easy to knock down Lego towers. Certainly the most fun store of the bunch, but sadly, Hunger Games are not won on fun alone.
District 7: Petco
They’re clearly used to dealing with animals over at Petco, so living like one out in the wild would be second nature to these guys. There’d be plenty of “awwwwwws” over all the cute fuzzy critters, but when it came down to snuffing out another Tribute, these guys would have way too much heart.
District 8: Eastern Mountain Sports
Survival. At its core, that’s what the Hunger Games is all about. It’s also what EMS thrives on! Wherever the Hunger Games takes them, EMS will be ready. Climbing, hiking, kayaking, even skiing. They’d actually make it to the very end if it weren’t sadly for all those bright orange colors they’re always wearing.
District 9: The Walking Company
It’s easy to run when your life’s on the line. It’s even easier to run when you’ve got the right footwear, and that’s where the Walking Company would really shine. After a few days of rugged survival, most Tributes would start whining about the blisters on their feet. Not these guys! Their only downfall is that they’d be slowed down by the three or four dozen pairs of shoes they’d insist on carrying because, “You never know what occasion you’ll need them for!”
District 10: Kodak Gallery
Even the Civl War had its photographers, so why should the Hunger Games be any different? Taking hundreds of Gigs worth of digital pics from the other Tributes and creating beautiful photo books would certainly help ease the pain. But even the best photographers out there eventually overstay their welcome and sadly, Kodak Gallery would never get the opportunity to finish its own self portrait.
District 11: 1-800-Flowers
From joyous celebrations to depressing situations, 1-800-Flowers is used to riding an emotional rollercoaster. They’d easily earn some friendship from the other Tributes, only to quickly see themselves out of the race after stopping to smell one too many roses.
District 12: Best Buy
Everyone would totally be laughing at Best Buy, sitting there on the couch playing video games and watching boxed sets of “The Office” over and over again. But while the other Tributes were busy fighting off one another, Best Buy’d be watching the Blu-ray version of the “Hunger Games,” discovering exactly how it ends. And more importantly, how to win. Well played, Best Buy. Well played.
MAY THE ODDS PRICES BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
Image Credit: Fandango.com